Royal Flush
by NoWindForThisHole
Summary: The real story


Asriel's eyes were opened manually by Chara. It was time to get up and smell the breakfast. Toriel had prepared a meal of butterscotch pancakes with butterscotch bacon and butterscotch juice, with a side of cinnamon. Just cinnamon. She did this every day.

Chara pulled Asriel out of bed by the ears and dragged him into the kitchen. It was time to eat. Asgore walked in in his unbuttoned bathrobe. "What's crackin', champ?" he said to his _real_ son, tossing a baseball into his mouth. Asriel started chewing on it. "And how's my favorite babe?" Asgore said to his wife. He slapped her ass, and she slapped his ass, as was their morning routine.

Toriel turned off the oven as the eggs finished cooking in the oven. Asriel and Chara took their places in the same chair at the table. "Heeere's some for you," Toriel sang, dropping eight eggs on Chara's plate. "Aaaand some for you." She crumpled up the shells over a napkin in front of Asriel.

"Good nutrition! An apple a day." Asgore gargled as he drizzled the not-quite-viscous-enough butterscotch pudding over his face and beard. He licked his lips very loudly and gazed to his wife, who was sitting to his left. Chara could not see his other hand.

Toriel was shaking in her bare feet. She fumbled with the fork. Her big man never ceased to get her groin a-grumblin'. She shoveled her breakfast down her throat as fast as she could. "Follow my lead, children. You need to get big and strong. You need to get big and strong in the next thirty seconds." She pushed the eggs into Chara's face and up Asriel's nose. "The quicker you eat the bigger and stronger you get. That's why Asgore's so big big big because he eat eat eats," she said, breathing heavily and struggling to keep her hands above the table.

Asriel sucked the eggs in. "Why do we need to get big so fast?" he asked-riel.

Toriel shuddered. "Because someday soon today, your father and I won't be here this afternoon, and you won't have parental and you won't need parental supervision, but you still need adult supervision, and what I'm saying is, go to Grillby's. Your dad and I are going to be busy working in the garden."

"Isn't that kind of far away?" Asriel pondered.

"You can do it. Stay determined," Asgore assured, three-quarters of the way out of the door. The hominid and the caprid of similar age were alone in the kitchen.

Chara stood in place and waved their arms up and down. This meant, "Where's the map?" Chara was fully capable of using their voice but chose not to as part of the lifestyle.

Asriel looked through the drawers, but all he could find were cum-stained socks, expired Werther's Butterscotch Hard Candies, and weed seed. "Guess we have to use this compass," he sighed, holding up a kitchen timer.

Chara was already walking down the royal driveway. "Get in the car," they signed to Asriel. Asriel hoped Chara had a license, or at least knew how to drive. He didn't want to get in trouble. None of these hopes proved true as the goatmobile accelerated from 0 to 200 in the shake of a lamb's tail. Asriel held onto the seat for dear life and screamed "SLOW DOWN." Chara couldn't hear him over the sounds of all the property they were smashing with a baseball bat out the window.

Asriel grabbed the stick and shifted the car into reverse. At first this seemed to stop the chaos, but it quickly returned as Chara spun the vehicle around and kept going in the same direction, now faster and blind. It was the most excitement the capital had seen since the spicy milk incident of '92.

* * *

The duo cascaded into Snowdin like Asgore's sperm into Toriel's vagina. A yellow lizard baby's arms were flattened and severed in the road. The traction from the baby's blood swiftly sweeped the swagmobile into the mailbox, the home, and the shed of Papyrus in that order. Wood went flying everywhere. Grillby dialed the castle on his flameproof phone.

"King Dreemurr, we've got a situation," the fire barman spoke into the receiver as loudly as he could and slammed the phone on the table.

Asgore had knocked the phone off the hook but could not remember how to hold it. This was one of the few downsides of Asgore's massive kush stash. Toriel laid back in the "garden" as she took a huge hit off her e-cigarette. "I'm so glad I put weed in my e-cigarette," Toriel chuckled for a little bit too long. She fumbled with the remote and turned the channel on the ceiling flatscreen to Tosh.0. "I'm glad we managed to fit the TV antenna in the barrier."

Grillby was getting restless. "We need backup. The car is on fire and bits of molten metal are being shot out of the car." He slammed his phone on the table.

"Just put it ouuut," Asgore muttered over speaker phone. "Hey, Toriel, check this shit out. How many leaves do you think I can put up my butt before we get another telemarketer?"

"Seven," Toriel said firmly.

* * *

Asriel pounded on the back window of the car. Grillby tried to open the door but made the fire worse. Citizens surrounded the raging inferno, trying their best to help out their sweet prince. The short skeleton man, Sans, commandeered his brother Papyrus's femur to bash the windows in. Papyrus used his other femur to bash the other window in, but ended up sealing the only remaining air hole. Asriel looked to Chara, standing outside, who gave him a thumbs up. Chara, in their voice without words, said this: "Just as this metal hell fills with carbon monoxide, let your soul be filled with determination."

Several bar regulars were attempting to extinguish the car with carefully-timed vomits, but the alcohol in their systems made the problem even worse. The flames spread to the nearest telephone pole, shorting out the wires as the sparks set more of the town ablaze.

* * *

But the town wasn't the only thing ablaze. Toriel had never gotten this high in her life. She flopped over on her stomach into the bed of flowers. "Dude, fuckin'... I feel like I'm on Jupiter or some shit."

"But what would make me happy," Asgore smiled. "Is if Jupiter ass on my dick."

Toriel laughed for ten minutes. In that ten minutes,

* * *

The townsfolk were making some progress in getting the child out. Asriel had gone completely feral, bleating and bashing the window with his underdeveloped horns. The heated glass was bending rather than breaking, but it was better than nothing. But come to save the day, two cold-blooded lesbians arrived. Undyne the BLUE and Alphys the YELLOW. Undyne's sticky scale and moist gills protected her from the licking flames. Alphys was jealous of the flames.

Undyne readied herself. She thrust her boot deep into the glass. The window didn't break.

Undyne summoned her spear and pierced the glass. It didn't break.

Undyne picked up Alphys and used her body like a spiky battering ram. The window didn't break.

"Undyne," Alphys asked politely, "Have you tried opening the door?"

"No, Alphys," Undyne growled. "There's no time. We're running out of time. I'm running out of time. I'm running out of PATIENCE, Alphys. I swear I am about to _lose my shit_."

Undyne was half-right. As her frustration and the pressure on her mind to think of a solution grew, the pressure also grew in her frustrated bladder. "Evacuate the village," she demanded.

"What?" Alphys coughed, her head completely engulfed in toxic fumes.

"HURRY."

Within the minute, Alphys, the master of evacuation, had cleared the snowy streets. Undyne's armor fell off from sheer inner force. She lay on her back and let out a triumphant wail. "NGAAHHHHH."

A long time ago, when Asriel was just a baby goat, he remembered his parents taking him to one of the Underground's very few and far between national parks. He was amazed by all the nature surrounding him - even with no sunlight, plants thrived and flowers bloomed. His mother guided him to the edge of a cliff, which she told him was the source of all water in the Underground. Every week, new water would gush down a small crack in the rocks, and townsfolk harvested it with buckets and pails, bringing it back to each of their respective communities. This is how it had always been.

Undyne's gooch spewed. Everything was clear now.

* * *

Toriel and Asgore tried to hump.

But nobody came.


End file.
